Phony Calls
by AEonVicious
Summary: "Strange. I do not know this number..."     An angry American x  Fans  x Russia's cell phone can only lead to trouble.
1. Chapter 1

"YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!"

Alfred was once again storming out of a meeting - but this time it was totally not his fault! That freaking RUSSIA was just out to get him. Sure he acted all innocent but everyone knew what a liar he was!

Once he was a good distance away he slowed his furious stomping to more like angry pacing.

_Man...I need to get that guy back for this! Now how do I do it...what scheme could possibly be bad enough to punish someone who disses McDonalds AND baseball in the same sentence?_

There was a buzzing at his side and Alfred begrudgingly answered his brothers text.

Another moment later and he looked to see that Arthur was inviting him out for a drink tonight if he just came back and finished the meeting. Drinking with Artie was always a good stress relief - the man was hilarious drunk.

After shoving the phone back in his pocket Alfred tried to return to his evil plotting as his phone rang yet again.

"Really? What the heck - aargh!"

Suddenly his blue eyes opened wide and in moments a dastardly grin had spread itself across his face.

* * *

><p>Russia hummed happily as he left the meeting that day.<p>

Alfred had never returned, how wonderful! He realized that it might be childish to play down to the dumb Americans level but at times it could be amazingly satisfying.

But in the midst of his thoughts his cell rang and he set to digging it out of his massive pockets.

"Strange. My boss shouldn't be at work right now."

Checking this strange marvel of technology he frowned, good mood souring like milk in the summer sun. It was a text from Alfred.

* * *

><p><span>Ha Lzer! I haz ur #! Nw evryne else does 2!<span>

* * *

><p>With a blank stare reserved for only the most confusing of moments Russia slowly deleted the text and placed the simple black phone back in his pocket. As he walked to his car he frowned.<p>

"How odd. What does he mean...actually I could not understand any of that garbage he wrote."

There was a rapid fire beeping noise as he phone was set off again and he quickly fished it out only to see he had a pending call. He waited patiently until it stopped ringing - then a little while longer until the 'mail received' icon appeared.

"Strange. I do not know this number..."

It took him a moment to decide what to do with it before ever so cautiously he hit voicemail and listened to this mysterious callers message.

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note: <strong>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Alfred has un-leashed the wrath of fandom on his nemesis! Yes. You guys can essentially prank call Russia and leave messages. Basically how it works. And Russia will react accordingly!

/ Side note: I'm not responsible if he tracks you down and busts your head right in with a ratchet./

I only plan to do this for 11 days - after that Russia gets a new number and you can't prank call him anymore. ( basically the story will be listed as 'complete' and closed ) I'll let you know if I extend it though.

The calling begins on July 14 and ends on July 24

Authors Note Note:

Yeah, I need another story like I need another hole in my head. XD but this seemed like such a fun concept that I wanted to try it out. That and it gets me inside all of your heads so I can write better stories for you in the future.

And the disclaimer...I totally do not own Hetalia or the song Phony Calls. I wish I did, I'd be rich and I could hire someone to write fanfiction for **me**.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ah...this is boring, Aru...I wish I had something to eat."

"Food was invented in Korea!"

"No it was not!" China responded irritably.

A few nations looked in their direction.

"Er...sorry." The elder nation apologized, only belatedly realizing he might be just a bit too loud. With a heavy sigh he sat back in his chair, shooting a warning glance at his neighbor that was; of course, ignored. "And how long are you going to insist you invented everything? You can't do that forever!"

Korea smiled. "I sure can!"

"You shouldn't, Aru!"

A handful of nations looked over again and after another apology China gave up the whole conversation. He didn't need the aggravation today. What he needed was drunken chicken.

China's mind began to wander - seeing in his minds eye a smorgasbord of delights. None of that American knock off food! He needed good things...like tea eggs, maybe thousand year eggs...spicy cucumber...so many different flavors.

"Aiyaa...I could REALLY use some food..."

There was no answer from his younger brother - the nation instead gazing off into the horizon of the conference room with a wide eyed stare. Suddenly the small nation rose to his feet, gave a somewhat mumbled apology and took off without a word of explanation.

"Oh? That was...kind of strange. I know! Maybe he's getting us something to eat!"

There was a commotion behind him and the sound of a large number of people moving very rapidly away from his area. Turning to look behind him China was suddenly confronted with a very serious looking Russia barreling toward him.

"AIYAA!"

And he was off - crossing the conference room in about the time it took Russia to reach the seat where China had been.

"China we need to talk!"

"I'm fine, Aru!"

"But China -"

"I have nothing to say!"

"But why do you want to invade me?"

China paused, halting comically mid-stride to look over his shoulder. "Wh-what?"

Russia had gained China's attention.

He'd also effectively halted all conversation in the conference room and the Asian nation was still standing posed in mid-air when Korea poked his head back into the room and asked; "Did you do something to Russia? Because I don't think I invented _invading_ other people."

"**Shut up**, Aru!" China whispered back quickly before resuming a more normal stance.

Russia almost looked adorable. His lavender eyes were wide like a scared fawns. He stood wringing the end of his scarf, shifting nervously as he waited for his sometimes friend to answer. China would have smiled but realized just how horribly wrong that might look considering the question the other nation had just asked.

"Er...Russia? You...did you just ask if I wanted to invade you?"_ Aiyaa!_ China groaned. _I feel dirty just asking that!_

"I need to know...do you wish to invade me?" Russia asked with a pouting frown. "I do not think I did anything that warrants harsh action against me - at least not recently. I have tried to be very good. But...if you plan to invade me that is a problem."

China couldn't help but cringe listening to Russia._ Why does he have to sound like this is some sort of confession! He's making it sound worse than it already is I swear!_

So now China found himself under scrutiny by 'literally' the entire world and he didn't like it one bit! But there was Russia, nibbling on his lip and looking so forlorn. Could he really be mad at him when he looked like that? He just needed reassurance, that's all!

"Although..."

At the sudden - _not at all cute tone_ - in Russia's voice the entire conference room rapidly emptied; with nations nearly hurdling each other to get out in time. China tried a nervous laugh, then a throat clearing cough.

"R-Russia I-"

"If you were thinking of invading me, China." Russia spoke, a demonic glint in his eyes that harkened back to a more destructive age. "I warn you not to treat me gently. I will show no mercy and will retaliate with everything I have and though I still hope for a friendship with you in the future do not think I will simply 'roll over' and let you do as you will-"

"AIYAAAAAA!" China finally yelled, stopping Russia mid-threat. "Russia! I have no intention of invading you! At all, aru! Do you even know what you're saying? I mean...do you know what that sounds like?"

Russia blinked a bit before responding bluntly. "So you're not declaring war on me then?"

"Ah?"

"I suppose not."

"You thought I was declaring war on you?" China clarified.

Was it bad that a possible war with Russia at least sounded better than what they'd been talking about? Granted - an actual war would be catastrophic for both of them so it was time to end this nonsense quick.

"Your government said you were." Russia scowled at the thought.

China scratched his head. "They never brought something like that up to me! When I talk to that boss of mine!" Turning to Russia he bowed. "My apologies! That was a mistake on behalf of my government. I'm absolutely sure that there is no threat of war with China. We really don't want to go to war with anyone! I've got too much to do already!"

Rising, he took a more serious note. "And...I wouldn't do something like that, aru. I wouldn't...just invade you."

Russia gave a faint smile. "I am glad. It would make me very sad to have to beat you into oblivion China. Seeing you writhe in agony would not bring much joy to my heart."

The nation across from Russia grew a little pale.

"It's...nice to hear that?"

In all honesty, what could someone say to something like that?

Slowly, the room began to fill with nations again. Even Korea who gave his elder a strange look as he entered.

"What?" China asked, a bit flustered still.

The other nation waited a long while before speaking. "So...invading originated in _China?_"

"AIIYAA!"

* * *

><p>Outside in the hall one nation gave a smirk of satisfaction.<p>

"Ha! So that really was Russia's number? I wonder who the idiot brave enough to put that out there was?"

Straightening, Netherlands simply shrugged to himself. "Now if only I could get at that Spain too. We'll see."

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note:<strong>

I need to update more often. But I got spirited off by a lake yesterday. XD If this is horrible of they're totally OOC let me know! I don't work with this crowd that often.

In any case, thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

With a bit of confusion the Russian looked at his phone.

Somehow in the middle of the whole 'China was declaring war on him but not really' incident he'd managed to acquire quite a few new messages - the small 'mail' icon displaying a number that seemed far too high to have actually occurred in such a small amount of time.

Russia quickly looked around. The meeting was uneventful now, no one would mind if he left to take care of this would they? Excusing himself silently, Russia left - only receiving a bit of a scowl from Britain before the man continued to give his presentation on the worlds hot button topic; the economy.

Outside, the young man looked nervously at his phone. Holding it in his hands it looked so harmless, so non-threatening. But such a little thing had almost gotten him in trouble with China - and he didn't want that, especially not if all were to become one with him someday...

With more caution than was really necessary (It was only a phone after all), Russia flipped open the cellular and called his voice-mail to listen to the first message.

That one definitely sounded weird. He could almost swear that was the same voice that had told him China wanted to declare war on him - but now it was telling him that his sister put a deadly bomb in his house?

Russia growled a bit as he thought - no, _definitely_ heard an obnoxious voice in the background.

"Prussia...and how did he get my number I wonder. Perhaps I should have a talk with my information security team."

On the other side of the world the team felt a sudden cold chill pass over them.

Now he knew who to blame for the misunderstanding he'd just had. That had been thoroughly embarrassing and he'd have to make sure to return the favor to the arrogant albino.

_Still_, Russia paused to stare at his phone. _I don't know who the other voice belongs to. Perhaps a more subtle method than the magical stick needs to be used just this once. _

That and he still had several more messages...it looked like...42? How on earth did he get 42 messages? If all of these were from Prussia...

With an ominous, "Kolkolkolkol-" Russia listened to the next voice-mail.

* * *

><p>In an office a tired man sat at his desk. It wasn't often he could actually sit down to do paperwork but he'd gotten just a little bit of a break today. So after settling into his chair and grabbing the first leaf from the stack of formidable officiality he started the day.<p>

But his phone was ringing now. Just wonderful timing wasn't it?

With a soft sigh the man picked up the receiver and put it to his ear. "Yes? This is-"

"YOU TRAITOR!"

The man nearly dropped the phone onto his desk. Instead he jerked away from the screaming on the other end of the line. He was used to this particular voice screaming at him but this time it sounded like fear, not anger.

"M-mr Braginski? Is that you? What's wrong?"

"YOU'RE A HORRIBLE BOSS! That is what is wrong! HOW COULD YOU?"

**Click**

The man stared at the phone, a little red button blinking as it transferred the call. Slumping a bit in his chair he stared at his paperwork. Of course he knew he'd get an earful sooner or later. He just preferred it not to be an earful from Russia.

* * *

><p>Brrrrrrrrr...Brrrrr...Brrrr-<p>

"Hello. This is -"

"I HATE ALL OF YOU! I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY MY SISTER!"

The man on the other end of the phone stared in confusion, holding the receiver from his ear. It took a moment for the words to sink in - their absorption sped up by the sound of a full fledged nation bawling on the other end of the telephone and calling him nearly every name imaginable in anger.

"Russia..."

"I can't believe you would do this to me! It's not good!"

"Russia..."

"You can't make me, I won't do it!"

"I'm not making you do anything." The man finally broke in. There was a long pause, and then;

"I'm not doing it willingly."

The man sighed, tapping absently on his desk. "Calm down. Now, what is this all about?"

"Boss is trying to marry me off to Natalya! Don't let him!" Russia pleaded.

The official looked over at his own paperwork. He hadn't remembered reading anything about that - and it wasn't like it could be hidden from him. "What makes you think that?" He asked, using a free hand to pull over a pen and pad.

"Well...I got a call from my sister, Natalya. She said that her boss and my boss had talked and that we were supposed to...to...BUT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER!"

There was a lull as the man let Russia express his most fervent desire to stay as far away from his sister as possible. When the nation had finished he continued. "She called you?"

"Yes."

"She is not supposed to have your number, Russia."

"I did not give it to her! I would never-"

"I know. Someone gave Belarus your cell number. Hm. Russia, don't worry. Don't answer the phone when she calls and delete her messages. We'll give you a new number so that Belarus cannot call you anymore."  
>"Thank you! Thank you! So...I do not have to marry her, right?"<p>

The man gave a small smirk. Russia sounded so hopeful.

"No. There has been no talk of that. She's trying to get to you so just ignore her and she'll have to leave you alone once the number is changed."

"Thank you! Goodbye!"

"Goodbye."

Immediately following the conversation the phone was in use again.

"Sergei? I have a bit of a problem. Mr. Braginski's number has been compromised. I need a new number. Also, could you track the numbers that have called him in the past day? Yes. Even secured ones - all of them. Yes. Yes, I want you to find the source of the leak. Keep me informed. Thank You. Goodbye."

The man sighed as he sat the phone down, blue eyes glancing over at his paperwork. Then he picked up the phone again. There was just one more thing...

"Hello? This is-"

"So you _are_ in. And how is it that I am the one who answers a hysterical Russia's call?"

"Er...heh. I can explain that..."

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note:<strong>

No eardrums were harmed in the making of this fic. ^.^

Thanks for reading!


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